Matthew’s story: how I became a carer

20 years ago I changed into a programming role in my IT career and moved away from home. But then I started getting calls from my sister who was living with our mother saying she was being strange and wouldn’t get out of bed for several days. 

We had a home visit from the doctor but we didn’t know about mental health back then, and there was no diagnosis. Within 2 weeks our mother was sectioned and my sister had left home as she couldn’t cope with our mother being argumentative and having psychotic episodes.

Mum was diagnosed with schizophrenia and she was caring for her other two sons who have autism. Throughout the years I have taken time off work to support my mum and brothers, caring for 3 people. 

Around 3 years ago mum passed away during the pandemic – she ended up back in the hospital and died of pneumonia. It was a difficult time, as when you’ve been caring for someone for so long it hits you hard. I coped as best I could, running my carers group and keeping busy. Work were really supportive when I needed time off and they kept in touch. 

I have since written a book and I advocate for Carers and their journey, which has been running for 3 years. It’s been an interesting and fulfilling journey for me. I still care for my brothers – they moved out of our mother’s house and now live close by. It was too much for me to care for three people when my mother was unwell.

My brothers live down the road and I visit them on my non-working days, luckily I work part-time which lets me be involved as much as possible in their lives. I don’t have too much pressure as they get support where they live.

My work has been really good, they know I am a carer for my brothers. It isn’t as difficult as when I was caring for my mum, as when she was really sick I had to drop things to keep an eye on her in case we needed to go back into the mental health unit. 

I became a part-time carer when I was caring for my mother. I’m not a full-blown carer now, although I do still care and support my brothers – but not as with my mum. 

As a carer, it’s helpful to research how to cope and how it can emotionally affect you. You need to look after yourself otherwise you can’t look after anyone else. 

There were times I couldn’t go to work or had to go to the hospital for a health review and my work, at the London School of Osteopathy, were supportive. I had support from my manager – they were flexible and let me work around my role, and suggested counselling could help me. 

Unfortunately, that’s not the case for many workplaces out there, and in fact, they might not come into contact with those that are caring. I’ve written quite a few fictional stories to raise awareness of carers providing unpaid care and how it clashes within the workplace.

Once the Carers Leave Bill becomes law then workplaces will need to learn and apply the law to working carers. It’s not going to be instant and some staff will be taken advantage of to raise revenue that’s why laws are in place to provide support for those caring. 

It helps if your workplace has some policies on supporting working carers and I think it’s about educating people about caring – it should be part of workplace training. Having access to peer groups and carer groups also helps. 

And getting in touch with organisations like this programme or carer centres will help carers to feel less isolated and not like they are the only person going through this, which weighs you down. 

The problem is that not many people want to shout that they are carers and are working as there is a lot of stigma. 

It’s not easy to tell your manager or workmates that you are caring for someone with a serious mental health issue. Some people don’t understand, for example, if someone is prone to depression, they might just say to them to pull your socks up or pull yourself together.